Everything I Need to Know, Someone Emailed to Me

Yet another of those collections of heartfelt sentiments that look like they're going to be sappy, but have some delicious twists:

As I've Matured...

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
• I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
• I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
• I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
• I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
• I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
• I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.