Musings of a Dinosaur

A Family Doctor in solo private practice; I may be going the way of the dinosaur, but I'm not dead yet.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Please Tell Me This is a Joke

Really.

Please.

Pretty pretty please:

Testicular Implantation For Pets
(US Patent #58-68140)
From the home page:
Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering. (emphasis added)
Talk about poor copy editing; by all means, let's traumatize the poor thing more.

More, from the FAQ page:

My vet said my dog wont know that he's missing anything. Is that true?

People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense.

Right. Feet; balls; all familiar body parts. Dogs understand exactly what testicles are and what they're for, and they treasure them just as much as their masters. Hell, they scratch them together in unison. Thank goodness. Now poor Fido will be able to get out there with his buddies around the fire hydrant without being embarrassed by his little snippy-poo.

Ho. Ly. Shit! Is there no limit to what you can sell to anthropomorphizing idiots?

Now if this thing is nothing but a fantastic farce, my hat's off to you; I'm not worthy. But I'm afraid -- really afraid -- that it's on the level. Words escape me.

UPDATE: Apparently it's not. Here's the patent.

24 Comments:

At Fri Dec 14, 09:15:00 PM, Anonymous pelican said...

Even better, here's the (Ig) Nobel prize for this advancement in science!

http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html

Look under 2005.

 
At Fri Dec 14, 10:00:00 PM, Blogger Dreaming again said...

Datelyine or 20/20 did a story on these a few years ago ...sorry ..they're very real!

 
At Fri Dec 14, 10:23:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and it gets worse - there is enough demand that the manufacturer has done significant research and development over the years to make the product more "life life". Apparently the first ones were make of a hard material that clanked on hard surfaces when Rover sat. Don't know first hand - was a war story from a veterinarian friend...

Ross

 
At Sat Dec 15, 01:27:00 AM, OpenID fudgelady said...

You've got to wonder who had the balls to come up with this... :-)

 
At Sat Dec 15, 03:53:00 AM, Blogger Elaine said...

Umm, bet you can't lick your balls like Fido (with or without implants!) ;-)

 
At Sat Dec 15, 08:00:00 AM, Blogger webhill said...

It's not a joke, and it's not news. I have clients asking for them for their pets but I will not put them in. I haven't had anyone insist after I explained the risk:benefit ratio for placing a foreign body that isn't needed!

 
At Sat Dec 15, 09:16:00 AM, Blogger Jeanne said...

This product is also used for show dogs - who can't be neutered and be shown. But the dog may have a nasty temperament and needs to be neutered. So, the freaking owner, to win and build a better name for his [i can't see a woman doing this] breeding program, neuters the dog, has these inserted, and voila!
As told to me by a dog groomer / dog breeder - so YMMV

 
At Sat Dec 15, 09:54:00 AM, OpenID Rachel said...

Nope, not a joke. Wonder if they're in cahoots with the "truck nutz" people...

 
At Sat Dec 15, 12:47:00 PM, Blogger liveptero42 said...

Do they have a version for spayed pets? They may feel a little off balance if they have a little less weight in back.

 
At Sat Dec 15, 01:52:00 PM, Blogger webhill said...

Nope, no female version... but I've had clients ask me to please spay their bitch, and then throw the excised ovary, or a piece of it, back into the abdomen, so it can "re-attach" and continue to provide the hormones they say the bitch "needs." Sometimes these people also ask me to leave in the uterus. Lucky for me, I'm free to decline to do these whackjobs.

 
At Sun Dec 16, 02:15:00 AM, Blogger tk said...

lmao! wow . . .

 
At Sun Dec 16, 01:31:00 PM, Blogger Lynn Price said...

Hey, the way I look at it, it's one less thing for Fido to lick in front of company.

 
At Sun Dec 16, 02:46:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen them, but I haven't put in any yet. The best one is the bumper sticker they put out....

 
At Sun Dec 16, 03:19:00 PM, Blogger CrankyProf said...

Confession: I sent a pair to an obnoxious guy who was bothering me.

Of course, I also put a pair of hot pink truck nutz on my mother-in-law's Volvo, so...

 
At Sun Dec 16, 10:58:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you check out the merchandise section of the website? T-shirts, hats, tote bags etc. with the company logo but I think the must-have item is the necklace. You can get it with one or two actual neuticals on it and you can choose from small, medium and large.

Who the hell would wear such a thing? Never mind, I don't want to know the answer to that.

 
At Mon Dec 17, 07:45:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am quite certain the real, but unstated purpose, of these are to cheat at dog shows, which prohibit exhibition of neutered male dogs.

 
At Tue Dec 18, 03:39:00 PM, Blogger William the Coroner said...

They were first developed in the UK. Some folks take this stuff rediculously seriously--you should know, you've done circumcision posts, Dino.

 
At Wed Dec 19, 01:02:00 AM, Blogger Hygeian said...

I haven't thought of Neuticles in a while! Damn, wish I'd come by sooner. Now it's probably too late to get delivery of the neuticle necklace by christmas.

When last I was on the neuticle site several years ago, there was a logo that said "They look and feel real", which of course made me wonder whose job it was to test this claim.

 
At Fri Dec 21, 06:07:00 PM, Blogger Sid Schwab said...

The problem is owners getting awakened at night by the sound of castanets...

 
At Sat Dec 22, 11:58:00 PM, Anonymous Diora said...

This has been around for a while for cats as well as dogs.

I think it might be a useful little procedure: it'll allow a wife to neuter a male cat or a dog without the husband noticing. Some men are obsessed with their pet's "masculinity".

I met a guy like this. He was really upset that my (female) cat was spayed because his tom needed a playmate (no answer to "what about kittens?" question, I guess this wasn't his problem). He called his cat "a little man" and told me how the cat satisfied his urges using a blanket. He also asked me if my house smelled and was surprised that it didn't; yet when I asked him if his cat sprayed he asked me to explain what I meant and then told me "he tried it once but then we had a talk and he stopped". Right.

I'd imagine if I were his girlfriend the idea of neuticles would sound very attractive.

 
At Sun Dec 23, 05:13:00 PM, Anonymous Poky said...

Oh dear god. I love how the site says that they have neuticles for BULLS!

Can you imagine a farmer's confusion and rage when the new 'bull' he bought failed to do his studly business?

 
At Tue Jan 01, 05:42:00 PM, Blogger License Pending said...

I heard about these a few years ago. Good lord! I think the dog's owner has a problem with his own manhood. Oh well. If it convinces people to neuter their male dogs, then I guess it's a good thing. Otherwise I think it's pretty stupid.

 
At Mon Aug 03, 09:30:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couldn't you just have a dog vasectomy? Or clip/tie the tubes of your cat? Its a wonder there aren't vets doing the people type neutering on animals!

 
At Mon Aug 03, 09:49:00 AM, Blogger #1 Dinosaur said...

@Anon 8/3: The point of neutering animals has just as much to do with countering the undesirable behaviors of hormonally intact adults as contraception.

 

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