Stupid People and the Pain They Cause

(Thanks to all the encouraging commenters on my previous post. Yes, I was having a bad day, and, as always, things were much better in the morning. Because of that last post, though, I feel compelled to point out that this one is intended as humor and not pathos.)

There are times when I finish seeing someone, watch as the patient leaves, gets in their car and drives away, then go up to my two front office staffers (I don't have a nurse) and shake my head.

"There are times," I hear myself saying to them, "when I cannot imagine," (I speak slowly, for emphasis) "that being *that* stupid," (another dramatic pause; they've heard me say this before and are getting ready to laugh) "wouldn't hurt."

What now?

Oh, let's see:

• "I had a rash a few months ago. It was right there...or maybe it was on this side; anyway, what was it?
• [Pointing to spot on abdomen]
  • "Is that skin cancer?"
  • "No, it's a stretch mark."
  • "Can I get rid of it?"
  • (No.)
• [Holding out hand with perfectly normal fingernails]
  • "My manicurist says there's something wrong with this nail."
  • "What did she think was wrong with it?"
  • "She didn't say."
• "My son had a cold last week. He's fine now, but I just want you to check him out."

When I'm in a room with one of these people, I feel pressure building in my head. It builds slowly, pounding, and I feel it moving to my ears. It's my brain struggling to force its way out of my skull, trying to fill the intelligence vacuum created by the person sitting in front of me.

It hurts.

There are some people you want to smack over the head with a 2 x 4, trying to beat some sense into them. And then there are these; the ones that make you think, "Why ruin a perfectly good 2 x 4?"

It is for these patients I have coined the term "pneumocephalic." (Yes, I know such a thing actually exists, seen rarely on head CTs and the like; but I really did make it up without realizing that.) It's doctor-type jargon for "AIRHEAD". One day, I even realized there's a code for it.

[Digression for explanation: There is a document known as the International Classification of Diseases (we're on version 9; ie: ICD-9) which contains codes for every conceivable diagnosis, symptom and/or ailment known to humankind. In fact there is a code for every conceivable reason for walking into a doctor's office. The "administrative" codes -- checkups, driver's physicals, routine gyn exams -- are preceded by the letter V, and so are known (of all things) as "V-codes."]

Here's the code for pneumocephaly: V02.
(Oxygen; get it?)

The moment I came up with that, I realized that there's even a code for a bad hair day: V05.