Musings of a Dinosaur

A Family Doctor in solo private practice; I may be going the way of the dinosaur, but I'm not dead yet.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Call for Contest Submissions

Alternative post titles were:
  • Lessons from my Father
  • How to Say "Fuck You" So Elegantly They Don't Even Know You've Said It
Inspired by Medblog Addict, #1 Dinosaur would like to announce a contest to see who can write the classiest "Screw You" letter. First prize is a copy of my book (which includes disclosure of my true identity.) (Second prize is two copies of my book, but with my name redacted.)

  • Open to all bloggers
  • Submissions to consist of classy "Screw you" (or "Fuck off and die," for the euphemistically challenged) letters of no more than 250 words. (Edit: Not limited to medical or legal; may be on any topic.)
  • Must have been written (or received, if you have the nerve) by the submitter.
  • Do NOT have to have actually been sent (ie, yes, you can just make one up for the contest.)
  • Email submissions to NotDeadDinosaur-at-msn-dot-com.
  • Contest deadline: January 31st.
  • Must include "Ok to post on the blog" in the email.
  • Entries will be posted anonymously, (edit: after January 31st) without the submitter's name or email address.
  • All judges decisions will be final and completely arbitrary, although feedback from the comments may be taken into account.
  • (Must provide a real name and address to actually receive the prize. Yes, I'm willing to spring for overseas postage, mainly because I'm dying to see what the likes of Shinga and Dork come up with.) (Edited: But you don't have to provide it unless/until you win.)
Example: (Adapted from a letter written by my father, originally in a non-medical industry)

Wrong way:
What kind of fucked up place are you running? Everything went wrong with my hospital stay last week!
Right way:
I am well aware that your hospital provides flawless care to thousands of patients each year. Unfortunately, this was not the case during my recent admission.
Note: Including a "Wrong way" version is optional, and does not count toward the 250 word limit.

(No, Dad, you may not enter because:
  1. I snarfed your favorite example.
  2. You already have my book.
  3. You know who I am.
Then again, if you want to come up with something new, I guess that's ok. You won't get another copy of the book, though.)


At Wed Jan 10, 08:59:00 AM, Blogger Dr. A said...

Sounds like fun...

At Wed Jan 10, 09:29:00 PM, Blogger Bo... said...

A totally fun idea! Can't wait to read the submissions...

At Mon Jan 15, 08:46:00 AM, Blogger Not Nurse Ratched said...

Is there a theme to the fuck-you topic (eg, hospital visits), or can it be generic or the topic of our choice? What a fab contest!

At Mon Jan 15, 03:18:00 PM, Blogger #1 Dinosaur said...

Any topic.

Post has been edited accordingly.

At Wed Jan 24, 10:54:00 AM, Blogger Susan Helene Gottfried said...

You need to visit the fine folks at Ella Studio for the paper upon which to send such notes. *wink*

Tell her I sent you.

At Wed Jan 24, 11:39:00 AM, Blogger Rashenbo said...

Ok, it totally sounds like fun... and DANGIT Susan... I was totally going to email you the link to this and you beat me here!!!!!

I guess I'll just have to add a little post for this fun little contest on my blog.


At Wed Jan 24, 11:55:00 AM, Blogger lmn said...

My personal favorite, written a long time ago and hard to improve on:

"I am sitting in the smallest room of my house with your letter before me. Soon it will be behind me."

Voltaire to Marat

At Wed Jan 24, 02:03:00 PM, Blogger Misti said...

Hi, I found your blog via blog mad. I extremely interested in submitting two letters for your contest. Which leaves me asking two questions: #1 Am I allowed to submit more than one entry, #2 Where do I send my entry or entries? Thanks!

At Thu Jan 25, 01:02:00 AM, Blogger s9 said...

This fictional letter from the Smithsonian goes well beyond your 250 word limit, but it's a classic of the genre.

At Sun Jan 28, 05:19:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an actual letter I sent to Greyhound Bus Co.


In the past two days, I have had occasion to take the Peter Pan Bus
twice...from Hartford to NYC and back. Since I have moved from Boston to
Worcester, there is no longer an inexpensive, easy way to get to NYC, and so I
had to pay the same amount of money for a trip that was half as long. No
matter. I do understand you have a business to run, and while $55 round trip
seems quite high, it was within my range.

I usually don't mind a bus ride. The seats are not uncomfortable and I can
think, read, drift off to sleep or listen to music of my choosing on my iPod.
And I was so glad to hear the bus driver admonish the passengers to keep their
cell phone conversations quiet and their headphones turned down! A nice
gesture of courtesy!

How ironic, then that the passengers subjected to a blaring movie of dubious
quality almost the entire trip! There is no way to get away from the movie.
There is no way to tune it out - even with my iPod earphones turned up, it was
still obtrusive. There is no way to sleep, because the movie is so loud. And
to make matters worse, on the trip back, the movie kept skipping and stopping
and making static. (Once it went off completely, which was a great
improvement. But it soon resumed.)

Now, I understand that perhaps some people will watch whatever god-awful thing
is in front of them on a TV screen. And some people might appreciate the
diversion of a cheesy movie during a bus ride. But some people might want to
sleep. Or listen to their own music. Or quiet.

The video players you use are old and out-dated. The screens are tiny and
barely visible from some of the seats. I suggest you get rid of them entirely.
And unless you can replace them with better equipment and arrange for each
seat to have a headphone jack, I, for one, would sincerely appreciate a quiet,
relaxing, movie-less ride.

At Mon Jan 29, 11:44:00 AM, Blogger trudy said...

I wrote this one sometime back:

Dear John, Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why, oh why, don't you? Au Revoir, Judy

At Tue Jan 30, 10:19:00 AM, Blogger Fat Doctor said...

Oh, Lord, I'm feeling such pressure to perform with such short notice...coming into this contest late but do hope to make the deadline. BTW, I'm pretty sure my tired brain knows what FOAD means! :)

At Tue Jan 30, 04:45:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn! Wish I'd seen this sooner and I'd have time to polish off my letter to the LA Times about their customer service problems in delivering the paper to my disabled MILaw. I heard from inside sources at the Times, the Publisher liked it so much that he reprinted it as a lesson in what happens when the customer doesn't get served.

At Thu Mar 18, 04:03:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deadbeat:
i don't know who you are. therefore i have no intentions on paying you. you should do as you must. but before you do, check the statute of limitations. you and your attorneys should in the meantime go out and enjoy the sun. i know i am.



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