L'Shanah Tovah (Day Two)

(An oldie but goodie in Jewish High Holy Day lore; credit Rabbi Richard J. Israel)

On Rosh Hashanah there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river (moving water; ie, not a pond or lake) to pray and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish to symbolically eat their sins.

There has been discussion over the years about what kind of bread crumbs should be used. Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would suggest that we can do better:

For ordinary sins: use White Bread
For exotic sins: French Bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For complex sins: Multi-Grain
For twisted sins: Pretzels
For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes: Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah: Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana: Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs: Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For petty larceny: Stollen
For committing arson: Toast
For timidity: Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky: Sourdough
For silliness: Nut Bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For jingoism: Yankee Doodles
For risking one's life unnecessarily: Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony:Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes: Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts: Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry: Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering: Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing: Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others: Tortes
For promiscuity: Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles: Hot cross Buns
For racism: Crackers
For sophisticated racism: Ritz Crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune: Flat Bread
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another: Challah
For indecent photography: Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment: Dumplings
For sins of laziness: Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical: Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery: Bismarcks
For over-eating: Stuffing Bread or Bulky Rolls
For gambling: Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness: Grits
For sins of pride: Puff Pastry
For cheating: Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish: Ginger Bread
For impetuosity: Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing: Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups: Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning: Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight: Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable: High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy: Brownies