Musings of a Dinosaur: What He Should Have Said

Apologies galore for the delay, but when you combine five days away with a late-night, west-to-east return trip, mix in one solo office gone nuts and toss in a late run for a pennant, blogging finds itself on the back burner.

Many thanks to all for joining in the fun, especially the newly returned dear Dr. Dork. (The blogosphere is so much dorkier with you around. By definition.) Now, to business:

With apologies to William the Coroner, we all understand that there were so many things he couldn't say; the game was what *should* he have said. That said, frankly there were some great lines that he could have actually gotten away with. In no particular order, here they are:

Church related:

If you're looking for God, I might be your man.
So help me God.
I work everywhere but since God's employees are not supposed to moonlight in retail, let me help you by finding a salesperson.
On a consulting basis, how may I help you?
Only in the sense that God is everywhere, and I am His servant.
Sure, except on Sunday.

Shoe related:

I have been called to save souls, not fit them.
I do "soul" work, even here at Kohl's.
Yes, and in this shoe department we have heavenly soles.
Well, last I checked I was a Catholic Priest. But, give me a minute, and we'll see. You know what they say, if the shoe fits...
I shall wash the feet of the lepers, wherever they may be...
Yes, I pray for heeling.
Yes, but I am only allowed to sell black shoes.
Are you kidding? Do I look "Shoeish" to you?
I'm sorry, but I only handle feet on Holy Thursday.

A little too edgy, but funny:

For Christ sakes, what do you think?
Oh Vey, no way!!
There's a wonderful optometrist in our parish . . .
Of course! God's work is done everywhere. Care to step into a fitting room for confession?
Why yes. I do. We have a lot of people drop dead the moment they see our low prices.
No, I was told the Devil wears Prada, so I am here to perform an exorcism. [my favorite of this group]
WTF, Do I look like I work here?
Yes, I'm always doing the Lord's work. Now tell me which of these shoes looks better, and I'll absolve you of all of your sins.
Blessed are the myopic, for they shall inherit the hearth.
Sorry, I'm in advertising, not selection.
Dang I've misplaced my pulpit again!

Way over the top but funny as hell:

"Sister Mary Aloysius," he glances around furtively and loudly whispers. "I though we agreed that today YOU'RE the store clerk and I'M the shoplifter! You got to wear the handcuffs the last three times and now it's my turn! Now go back there behind the hosiery section and wait for me to put these sneakers under my cassock..."

Hands down, my favorite:

Is the Pope Jewish?

And finally, what he really should have said:

I must confess, I do not.

Regarding the idea of voting in the comments, I changed my mind: I hereby appoint myself sole and final judge and I declare that both of the final two entries ("My Favorite" and "What He Really Should Have Said") are the winners. But because the last one was posted by that prolific commenter "Anonymous" I have no way to send a prize. Congratulations, though, Anon; well done. Zany Mom, email me and we can talk loot.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Dinosaur.

[A note on the semi-serious side: There are going to be some changes in the rhythm of my life, now that the kids are gone and the office starts to pick up, first with flu shots and then with flu-and-other-winter-illness season hard upon us. I fully intend to continue blogging, but -- especially if this week is any indication -- I may find the frequency decreasing just a smidge. There are some interesting essays I have percolating, but there are also over 200 Bloglines posts to catch up on, a novel in progress, family 85th birthday parties to attend (ok; only one of those on the calendar) and Ultimate Frisbee tournaments at which to cheer sons on. Hopefully my blogging will make up in quality what little drop in quantity may ensue as I embark on this new chapter of life.]