(The writer informs me that this letter was inspired by an actual case of identity theft and her perpetual fear of this really happening.)
Dear Mr. Police Chief:
I had the occasion to tour the new city jail last month and see how well my tax dollars have been spent. Unfortunately, my tour was from behind bars after I was falsely arrested for aggravated assault.
Two of your fine officers pulled me over the evening of December 10th, 2006 for speeding. My two year-old son was in the back of the car. He and I were both quite surprised when the officer suddenly pulled out his gun and ordered me out of the car so he could slam me against it and slap the cuffs on. When I inquired as to the nature of my rough treatment, he informed me I was wanted for aggravated assault. I told him it was a mistake as I had recently been the victim of identity theft and that items verifying my identity were located in my purse on the front seat. He then proceeded to call me lascivious names as he pawed at me, checking for weapons. There was a brief moment of panic before he verified the item in my pants pocket was actually a pacifier.
After spending a night in your lovely jail, I am disinclined to return and tarnish the memories of my visit. Instead, I will send my lawyer, Mr. Stewart Crumbottom, for all future communication.