Musings of a Dinosaur

A Family Doctor in solo private practice; I may be going the way of the dinosaur, but I'm not dead yet.

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Don't you wish people would just say what they mean, instead of beating around the bush like this:

Sir, (Previously, I had typed “Dear Sir,” but I found I could not stomach it.)

Your placement of letters on a page, though strewn together in lengths of words, I cannot bring myself to admit as being any kind of known form of writing—not even terribly wrought gibberish, which would be considered intellectual stimulus in comparison to whatever it is you thought to send me on sheets of 8x11 typing paper. In fact, the reason only two sheets of that mauled assortment of 700 plus pages you claimed to be a manuscript have been returned to you, is that out of the graciousness of my heart, I have found better uses for it: Origami (swans and frogs are my forte), sailor hats, coffee coasters, absorbents for oil spills, birdcage lining, puppy pee pee pads, etc.—though I did find it quite abrasive for use as toilet paper, and I blame you for any paper cuts that resulted from the use of it.

And now, because I relish saying it: I must wholeheartedly decline accepting your pile of typed fecal discharge for representation. In fact, you might have heard my declaration of NON-acceptance all the way in the cesspool of your dwelling as I yelled it from my rooftop—and my neighbor’s rooftop, his neighbor’s rooftop, my favorite restaurant’s rooftop, my banker’s rooftop, and assorted other rooftops. Of course, that was done in between all the laughter.

Sincerely Most Aggravated to Have Read Your…Oh, I Still Can’t Say It,



At Thu Feb 01, 07:23:00 AM, Blogger Not Nurse Ratched said...

Love it! I used to be an editor, and we wrote faux queries like this all the time just to soothe ourselves. My favorite one of all time was "Please have Pocko, your typing chimp, recast this entire paragraph for English-speaking humans." LOL! "Typed fecal discharge," indeed. Excellent feedback for authors who shouldn't be. :)

At Thu Feb 01, 08:03:00 AM, Blogger Dr Dork said...

Looking forward to the rest of the series, Dr Dino.

Wish I had something to contribute, but I'm too polite for my own good - which certainly has its downsides.


At Thu Feb 01, 11:41:00 AM, Blogger Sid Schwab said...

I received one of those multi-forwarded emails the other day, titled "best response ever to a Dear John letter." I'd like to think it's real. In brief, a Marine in Iraq was said to have received such a letter, with a request to return her picture. He got together with his buddies and collected pictures of a dozen or more beauties and sent them all, with a letter saying he was sorry but he couldn't exactly remember which one she was, so would she please remove her picture and return the rest to him....

At Thu Feb 01, 05:47:00 PM, Blogger Lynn Price said...

Shouldn't you have put a warning on "Warning** DO NOT HAVE LIQUID IN MOUTH WHEN READING"

Hello, new keyboard...


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