Lawyers With Too Much Time on Their Hands
Last weekend, DS and I went to visit this crotchety old guy in his 80's who I've known for years. The Jock took care of the cats for us, but we took the Rolling Peke along. Although I thought we were pretty good about picking up after ourselves and bringing back everything we brought, we failed. I later received the following email:
On August 2nd, 2009, at 10:17 PM, it came to the attention of the management of a certain residence in McLean, Virginia, USA, that a canary yellow circular plastic dish 6.0 inches in diameter, 1.75 inches high, weighing 1.85 ounces, stood on the floor next to the kitchen table, near the window, and contained 4.3 fluid ounces of a clear liquid that appeared to be water.
[This dish] was not recognized as being part of the household culinary equipment. It may be, therefore, that the dish served as a container for liquid refreshment for a temporary occupant of the residence who is believed to have been of the canine persuasion. As a security measure, the dish was emptied, washed and dried and is now in safe storage at a secure location on the premises. Should it turn out that the dish was brought into the residence by human companions of the canine occupant, there are two possible courses of action that can be pursued, namely,
(1) should the canine and/or the human companion(s) desire that the dish be dispatched, by mail or other suitable delivery service, to the permanent residence of the canine, such action can be caused to be initiated by so notifying the management, or
(2) the dish may remain at the residence, at no storage charge*, until the canine, preferably together with the human companions, returns for a further visit.
It is requested that an election be made, within a reasonable time, as to whether course of action (1) or (2) should be pursued. Should any other course of action be [desired], the management will consider appropriate suggestions.
Should it be believed that this notice is more verbose than it need be, please feel free to notify the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot foundation.
Sincerely,
The Management
My response, in its entirety:
"Surprise us."
*Yeah, yeah, I know. This phrase raises suspicions that the author couldn't possibly be a real lawyer, since everyone knows that with a lawyer, there is *always* a charge.
posted by #1 Dinosaur @ 3:13 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Should any other course of action be [desired], the management will consider appropriate suggestions.
You decided to pass up endless possibilities for creativity, verbose or otherwise.
Love the "Surprise us" response, since that was COG's response (albeit in the first person singular) when the question happened to arise, purely hypothetically in casual conversation, whether one wished to be (after one's death) buried or cremated.
Love,
Kensington MD
P.S. I have it on reliable authority that your book provided literary companionship to COG during a recent little adventure.
The COG was too busy to think of a short message, so he dashed off the long one which was easy. After much effort, he came up with the short version: "Hey, you guys forgot the damn dog dish; you want it sent or should we hang on to it?"
Damn, that COG ought to start writing. Too funny.
I would so date your dad.
I'm in my 30's and happily married, but he is too good to pass up.
I only dream that I will be this cogent in my 40's, let alone as an octogenarian.
Priceless!
Someone must have too much time on their hands!
No way that was written by a real lawyer. You're right that real lawyers always charge, but it's not just that -- real lawyers always threaten a lawsuit, too, unless you pay up. Absent a threat that you're trespassing "in violation of USC such-and-suc", that's a fake lawyer letter.
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