I'm pretty sure I had this guy in college:
If academia were subject to consumer protection laws, I would be requesting a refund on grounds of fraud. I enrolled and paid tuition with the impression that I would be taught a college-level course by a person with a PhD. Instead I was often taught by an undergraduate teaching assistant, a heinousness rivaled only by the fact that he often did better than you. You also failed to return our papers, even the final project, and did not show up for either the final review or the final exam.
Since you sent me a strangely nasty and defensive e-mail in response to a reasonable request to learn the grades on my last two papers, I'm pretty sure you already know you have attained a level of irredeemable incompetence. I also know that you have some medical issues (because you whine about them in every class period), but unfortunately the university exists to educate students and not to employ disabled professors.
What really confuses me is why, a month after final grades were posted, you have sent me insulting and even more defensive e-mails apropos of nothing. It is obvious that I owe you a heartfelt apology: I must have given you the impression that it is acceptable to address me in that fashion, whereas it certainly is not. I do apologize for giving you that idea, and now I beg of you on bended knee to please fuck off.