Where can I get a subscription?
To the Editors of El Journo Elitio Quarterly:
As of the first of December, it had been fourteen months since I submitted my short story, "Eastern European Immigrant Tale #11,376," to your publication. I knew that EJEQ was merely rebelling againstthe non-artistic world's currently-accepted soulless standards of punctuality, or, perhaps, my manuscript was simply lost among all the other treasures that you are so privileged to read, and you have grown blind due to the accumulated effects of gazing upon brilliance, so I did not question your delayed response.
However, in mid-December I was presented with the opportunity to submit my work to Pomp and Posterity, your rival publication. P&P responded to my submission within a week, purchasing the rights for a sum greater than what your publication claims to offer on your submission guidelines on your website. (Of course, your submissions page has not been updated since 2002, and I did not adjust for inflation.)
Therefore I wish to withdraw this story from your consideration. I am sure this comes as a relief -- it is a thankless burden to champion the excellence of others from manuscript to publication without the reassurance of sales or readership. If you are interested in my future work, please use Google to search for my name as well as the name of your publication; my work should appear above you in the search results. I look forward to seeing your sixth issue on the newsstands this spring.