Musings of a Dinosaur

A Family Doctor in solo private practice; I may be going the way of the dinosaur, but I'm not dead yet.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

FOAD #19

Hey! I didn't realize she saved a copy of the letter she sent me!

Right way:

Dear Author:

Thank you very much for your recent cover letter, novel and synopsis. I regret I must write you to say no because of the visceral response your work engendered. Sadly, my agency has forsaken the thoughtful, line-by-line, comma-by-comma reading your project so clearly has earned. The days of back and forth with writers about the joys of the subjunctive, the charm of the passive voice, and quirkiness of homonyms are gone forever I fear. A sadder, speedier world indeed, and progress a cruel taskmaster, much likes punctuation and grammar, those devilish details.

Many labors of love fall victim to this cold, cruel business practice. As you surely will discover there are many fine companies who have stepped in to fill this shocking void. Many of them advertise in Writers Digest, a publication I hope you can read in your library.

I wish you the all the success you deserve,

Miss Snark (who else?)
Literary Agent

PS I am returning all 300 pages, the remaining glitter, the chocolate bar, the photos of your shar-pei Harry and your spouse Mo (those tattoos are defy description indeed-who knew “mom” could look so provocative on a flexed bicep) under separate cover, via media mail. Please note our address has changed since you sent this. Our new address will be posted promptly on our new website www

Wrong way:



At Sun Feb 04, 01:14:00 PM, Blogger Lynn Price said...

I think I just broke something from laughing so hard. Is there a doctor in the house?

At Tue Feb 06, 09:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really hate it when agents return the glitter.

At Wed Feb 07, 10:56:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's because you didn't glue it to the pink unicorn paper first. (You did use pink unicorn paper, right?) Alternatively you can spray the paper with perfume. Don't skimp; you don't want the scent to fade. Half the bottle should be the right amount. That will give the agent such a sneezing fit you can be certain the glitter will be thoroughly spread around the office.

This is what I did, and I'm absolutely sure I'll have an agent beg to represent me any day now.

At Wed Feb 07, 03:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shit. All this time I've been using Garfield paper. And to top things off, the Post Office ran out of baby bunny stamps.


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